Post Created Aug 9, 2011 5:19:55 AM

I really wonder what is your motive of getting close to me. I hate to admit this, but losing myself each day. I'm losing my strength pretending.
Please if you really dont mean anything, you should start by walking away.
I don't want history to repeat again. I don't want to fall back to square one. Please don't do this.
Okay, maybe all this while... It is just my wild imagination. But still, please tell me straight about this. I don't want to be a fool for another time.

Post Created Jul 27, 2011 11:26:19 PM

If you don't mean anything please keep yourself away from me. Each time I meet you, I would feel like my guards are falling apart. Please, I beg you. I don't want to get all hurt again. I guess it's really just my wishful part. It is really just a crush.
I gonna build up that wall again.

problems after problems, i really do not know when will i stop facing problems. facing life with positive and endless happiness. i really hate leading my life like this. afterall i have done for this family, this is waht they repay me. im really disappointed with my adik, yes, i may not show the fact that i love her, but i do. it's just her actions now really hurt me deeply. how could she do this me, how could she betray me? im so hurt with her. why must she ?
i feel so bad, i'm not sure why is she becoming like this. why she never think about the consequences?

having just one troublemaker is already enough for the family, i do not need another one to break me down. i simply can't take it anymore. how much i am really disappointed. i find it really hurtful when the person whom you trust, betrayed your trust.
the person that you thought you can rely on is making you disappointed.

why must this happen to my family. it's so hurtful .

2010

finally, 2010!
with a long exhaling... im letting everything in 2009 at rest now. im not gonna hold back anything. i gonna pretend like what that used to happened before is just a nightmare and right now, im wide awake from that whole nightmare. i gonna move on, and look back at him not thinking how useless i am, but HOW GLAD I AM, THAT HE COULD NOT MAKE IT TO MY PRESENT AND FUTURE! in 2010, im not the old julaiha that used to cry over small matter, who is so weak in love. who falls blindly, go heads over heels for any guy. who love a guy whole heartedly. i gonna be strong and stand up for my right. gonna hold back some love, so that i will not be hurt again. to love someone, that i so worthy of my love. not to spend my time, on useless guys. i know, that memories will haunt me, but im not gonna run away from it. i gonna turn that memories into what i call; a lesson learned. i gonna stand back up again and smile with all my heart. im not gonna look at him, thinking that im useless, but i gonna prove to him that, it's a stupid of you to treat me like dat. i'm not gonna be a fool in love again. i gonna find someone that is worth my time and respect me as a girl.
i'm not gonna let other goodd guys off, just because im too hurt because of him. i gonna let this heart open up and to be loved the way i gonna love them:D

dear god, i hope you would grant me all the strength and confidence for me to face this. i know, you love all your followers and you would not let them suffer. i will treat this, as a test for my endurance and patience. everything that happens in life, have a reason behinds it. We were given this test, because God believe that you can overcome it. that's why believe in HIM & everything gonna be alright :D

you sucks

once again, the thought of you came in my mind. no, it not because that i misses you or what. its just that circumstances that made me remind about you. all the empty promises that you gave me, i was foolish at that time to believe it. i do not hate you, i just do not like you. how i wish, im experiencing some amnesia so that i would be the happy old me again. not knowing you. well, its just crap to have the slightest thought of "how i wish, i could turn back time" yeahh. its foolish, but that is what we always hopes for when we get to feel the pinch of reality. yes, reality may sucks but at least its the truth than living in fantasy where everything just stays as a dream/wishful thinking. i hate myself of being so naive and right now, im unconsciously blaming other people in my life just like how i shut myself from loving and being loved by others. thanks for the pain that you brought to me, that causes me to deny the feelings again. i do not want myself to be hurt. so i just ignore allthe love and loving situation around me. to myself, i know i have move on but my close friend can tell me that i have not. did i really have not move on? im thinking about myself not about you. i do not care, if you have not move one. moving on, is not having someone else by yourside. moveing on is simply bieng there alone or attached and at the same time, looking backat him/her smiling and thank them for not being with you currently.
people around me do not know what actually happened and do not know what i really feel, only god knows how i feel.

aku sendiri tidak faham akan perasaan yang sedang aku alami sekarang. terus terang aku katakan, aku tidak marah akan diri kau. aku cuma tidak boleh lihat wajah kau. memang aku sudah maafkan dirikau, tetapi setiap kali aku lihat wajah kau, suatu perasaan membuak dihati ini. aku rasa diri ini bagaikan sampah dan tidak berharga. aku sedih, sebab aku rasa diri ini bodoh kerana membiarkan diri ini dilukai bulat-bulat. aku pernah mencintai dirimu sepenuh hati tetapi akhirnya cintaku dilukai seperitnya. hingga kini, aku terasa takut untuk memberi insan lain cinta ku ini kerana aku takut sejarah akan berlaku lagi. aku tidak sanggup diri ini untuk dilukai lagi. ketika insan lain ingin mengenali diriku, aku mengundur diri, kerana aku tidak boleh melawan ketakutan dalam diri ini. aku takut dilukai lagi. walaupun jejaka yang lain, tetapi aku masih lagi "cedera" lagi, jadi aku tidak boleh.
bagi teman-temanku, memang senang untuk mereka menyuruh diri ini untuk memaafkan dan melupakan hidup baru. diriku yang mengalam semua ini, tentu nya peritnya aku yang merasai bukan temanku yang lain.'
yang pasti, aku tidak marah pada dirimu. aku cuma tidak mahu mengingati kembali segala memori. biarlah ia padam begitu saja.